Good afternoon, Chicago! Kaner’s hair here. Just wanted to let everyone I’m doing fine and that I am totally gonna flow tonight. Now while the guy I’m attached to has yet to check in to these finals, I just wanted to let everyone know that I’m focused and doing my best. I’m totally feeling your love. Who wouldnt’t love me? Every time I get to strut my stuff without the restrictions of a helmet I totally kill it. Even with that thing, the stuff I let sneak out the back gives a sweet hint of what’s hidden. Ok, so maybe I might look a little ridiculous, but who cares? I’m just doing me, you know, speed lines and all. I got this Keifer-Sutherland-stuck-in-the-80’s look going so good that if somehow the Hawks finds their way out of the the hole they’ve dug then I might tell “P-Skillz” to get some acid wash jeans for the parade.
Ok…Ok so I know he hasn’t played well but that’s not my fault! I come ready to go every night. Nobody can hold me back; not the team, the coaches, the fans – not even cab drivers. I mean, if me and Miley Cyrus ever get together there’ll be no stopping us. I feel like tonight’s gonna be my shining moment. I’m kinda hoping that “P-Skillz” gets his helmet knocked off and then scores some dazzler so it’ll be all eyes on me. Nobody can stop this swag train. I got this shit on lock; my game is tighter than a drum. P-Skillz’s ass is just as tight when he gets the puck on his stick in the slot. I understand you’re all mad at him cause he had a hat-trick in Game 5 of the WCF then celebrated like he was reliving Game 6 of the 2010 finals, but it’s all good Chi-town ’cause I’m here.
Think about it – your boy isn’t playing up to snuff, but no harm no foul. After this series is over I’m gonna be crashing clubs and making girls swoon over the flow. Nobody got it like this guy, I got a birds eye view from 5′ 10″ of beast mode. I often am the only reason why P-Skillz still has a full set of teeth. I know he’s been banned from Toby Keith’s bar but I’m more than welcome. Nobody wants to mess with the flow because there’s no wrath like the wrath of a mullet with speed lines. After this series is all said and done I plan on taking Chi-town by the scruff of its neck and riding this horse rough-shod over every bridge and into every nook and cranny. Yeah, nothing ‘s gonna stop this head of hair unless it gets so inflated that it just blows its top. I gotta tell you, that’s a legit concern.